I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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