After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
