I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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