Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
