In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
