bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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