just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
