His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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