now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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