Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
