For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
