I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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