Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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