i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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