I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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