Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
