I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
