If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
