I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
