Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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