its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
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Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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