So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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