I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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