Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
