am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
