Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
