We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.