Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
