shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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