Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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