he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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