did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
