I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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