I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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