If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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