I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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