im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
