I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
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