Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
