Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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