That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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