Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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