i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
