Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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