1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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