my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Also, beer. Big fan.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
