She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize