I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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