There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
