I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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