At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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