I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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