I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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