I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
